Ahh, table assignments, a task combining spreadsheets, volatile emotions and arcane etiquette rules. Really, what’s not to love?

Whether the meal is plated or buffet, if you’re having any sort of sit-down reception, you need to tell people where to sit. Not doing so results in people standing around awkwardly, wondering what to do and slows down the reception. It’s a bear of a task, but with a little know-how and a good system, you can do it with minimal psychological trauma.

Traditionally, the marrying couple will sit at a head table. This can either be a large table with your wedding party, or a “sweetheart” table with just the two of you. Personally, I find the sweetheart table a little weird. Do you want people staring at you while you eat? This head table is in the best position possible in the room. The tables on either side of the head table are also considered important and they are generally reserved for the immediate families of the marrying couple.

Once you know how many people can be seated at a table (usually 8 or 10) and the majority of your RSVP cards are in, you can begin assigning people to tables. This can be done with paper and pen, an electronic spreadsheet, or by putting cards with people’s names on them in piles. One way to think about this is by creating “themes” for the tables. Table 4 may be for college friends, Table 5 for cousins, Table six for work friends. In general, your single friends would rather sit with other people they know, rather than at a random “singles” table, but feel free to do a little matchmaking with your assignments.

Keep in mind people’s sensitivities and relationships as well. If Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Mortie hate each other, don’t put them at the same table. If your cousin John is still struggling to deal with your homosexuality, don’t sit him at a table of Act Up activists.

While you will want to keep couples together, you do not necessarily have to keep groups of friends together. If you do break up a group of friends, make sure to do so evenly. You don’t want to have all of your best friends from college at one table, except for one person or couple. Small children should sit with their parents, but creating separate “kids’ tables” for the six and up crowd can be a nice way to make sure everyone enjoys themselves. These tables can have legos, crayons, or other small, quiet distractions.

When the assignments are made you’ll want to create “escort cards” for each couple, family, or individual. The escort card is a small, tent like card with the person’s name on the outside and the name or number of their table on the inside, or underneath the name. You’ll want to arrange these cards alphabetically, not by table number.

Today, many people like to create a table chart with the assignments that’s on display at the reception, instead of escort cards. Personally, I’m not a big fan of this. I think having people gather around the poster is disruptive and confusing. But, it can be a money saver, and also saves paper for a “greener” reception.

No one said it was easy, but as long as you have enough seats for guests, everything will all work out in the end.

Marta Segal Block writes the Ask the Wedding Maven column for OneWed.com, a wedding website known for its vendor listings and innovative approach to combining social networking and wedding planning.

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Gay people are not singled out when it comes to rude wedding planning questions. All people planning a wedding are asked questions about everything ranging from the cost of their wedding (and whose paying for it) and name changes to procreation plans. Something about getting married makes people feel free to comment on your personal life including your name, your clothing choices, your sex life and your bank statement.

It’s easy to respond to rudeness with more rudeness, but really, it doesn’t accomplish anything. No one learns anything, the first person feels justified in his rudeness and now you’re a rude person, too.  One thing that might help you deal with some of these rude questions is reminding yourself that people rarely mean to be rude. You’ve probably been guilty of making assumptions and accidentally asking rude questions yourself.

Before cutting the cousin who asks “Is it legal?” from your guest list, ask yourself this “Does he have any way of knowing that this question is offensive?” Before delivering a diatribe on gender-normative clothing in response to “What are you wearing?” asking yourself this, “Is she asking about gender roles in our relationship, or just making conversation?”

Perhaps if we can all remember that every response to a question has the power to make things either better or worse, we’d all be more careful in our responses, and our questions.

Marta Segal Block writes the Ask the Wedding Maven advice column on OneWed.com, a wedding website known for its vendor listings and innovative approach to combining social networking and wedding planning.

Photo on homepage courtesy of Melissa Johns

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The most important thing to remember about having children in your wedding party is to expect the unexpected! Even the most excited five-year-old flower girl has been known to get cold feet when faced with a room full of people.  Make sure the little darling has a trusted adult nearby to help guide him or her down the aisle.

If you are having a “grown-ups only” or evening reception, you may want to skip having children in your wedding party altogether. It’s not really fair to the little monster to ask him to be in the wedding but tell him he can’t come to the party. On other hand, no one wants a cranky three-year-old ruining the festivities. Inviting the children of some guests and not others may also cause hurt feelings.

Of course, if you and/or your partner already have children, you’ll want to involve them in your wedding in a much more extensive way. If the children are from a previous relationship you’ll want to find ways of making it clear that this union is about the family as a whole, not just you and your partner.

Keep in mind though that whether the parents or gay or straight, adolescents do not like to think about their parents’ love lives. Your child may not have a problem with your new marriage, but may feel embarrassed at being asked to speak about your relationship, or being asked to dress up and walk down the aisle. Talk to your child and above all, respect his or her wishes.

Marta Segal Block writes the Ask the Wedding Maven advice column on OneWed.com, home to Wedding Pre-Party, a unique combination of social networking and wedding planning.

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Unfortunately, it rarely works out so smoothly. To make sure you have an accurate head count for your wedding, there are a few things you should do before sending the invitations to make the process smoother. The first step is to send Save the Dates so that people can plan on attending your wedding. Then, send your invitations six to eight weeks ahead of time, too much sooner and people will put off responding, too much later and people won’t have time. The time frame is longer if you’re having a destination wedding, or have overseas guests. Make the reply by date two weeks before your caterer’s headcount deadline.

Before sending out the invitations, make a master list of your guests, assign a number to each guest. Put that number on a discrete place on the response card. That way, when the response cards start coming back to you, you’ll be able to keep track of who has and hasn’t responded. This will also help if guests are forgetful and leave their name off the response card (it has happened).

Once the reply date has come and gone, you need to start contacting those who haven’t replied. The best way to do this is actually to assign one or two surrogates to do it for you. If possible, assign people to call others they know. This is something I recommend to all couples, but it’s especially important for gay couples. Let’s face it, you don’t want to call your first cousin to find out why he hasn’t RSVP’d only to learn that actually, he just discovered that he has a problem with gay marriage. You have enough going on; spare yourself this stress.

Fortunately, most of your non-responders will just be rude, forgetful, or lazy, not bigoted. So, make sure your surrogate callers are equipped with the correct answer to questions about the wedding location, start time, and registry.

Once the caterer’s deadline for a headcount has passed, consider anyone who still hasn’t responded a no. If someone shows up without RSVPing don’t fret. Your caterer has handled this before.

Marta Segal Block writes the Ask the Wedding Maven column for OneWed, a wedding website known for its vendor listings and innovative approach to combining social networking and wedding planning.

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Fortunately, most stores have realized that recognizing gay marriages and commitment ceremonies is in their best interest.  Today, most registries allow you to register as bride/bride, groom/groom or registrant/co-registrant. This allows you to register without feeling awkward while doing so!

Like everything with a wedding there is etiquette involved in creating and publicizing your registry.

• Don’t feel guilty

At first glance, it may seem greedy to create a gift registry. But, people want to give you a gift. Letting them know what you want in an easy to access and unobtrusive manner makes their lives easier.

• Celebrate diversity

One of the keys to being polite with your registry is to make sure that you register for a variety of items at different price points. If you only register for high-end items guests who can’t afford an expensive gift may feel that their contribution isn’t welcome.

• Just this once, don’t shop local

You may love that little boutique around the corner, but if most of your guests are coming from out of town (or even the other side of town) it would be considerate of you to register at a few places that are national or can be accessed online.

• Put their money where your heart is

The later in life that you marry the more likely it is that you already have all the gravy boats you need. Today, including a charity in your gift registry is a completely accepted practice. You can either talk to your favorite local organization, or use a site like the I Do Foundation to create a charitable registry. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) allows gay and straight couples to register on their site for donations in their honor. The key to doing this is to make sure that the organization is willing to inform you of any gifts made in honor of your ceremony.

I always recommend that if you create a charitable registry, you also register for tangible objects. Some people just won’t feel right making a donation instead of giving a gift.

• Be discreet

Shouting your love from the rooftops is one thing, shouting your registry info is something else. Spreading the word about your gift registry is a tricky balancing act of passing along helpful information and grubbing for gifts. If anyone asks for your registry info, pass it along. It’s also a good idea to let people that others may ask (parents, attendants, shower hosts) know the info. If you have a wedding website, you can place the information there as well. Registry info should never be included on an invitation.

• Say thanks promptly

There’s a common misperception that it’s ok to wait up to a year to write a thank you note. You should write thank you notes as soon as possible after opening. It should go without saying that you need to write a thank you note for every gift, even charitable donations and those that are hideous.

Marta Segal Block writes the Ask the Wedding Maven column for OneWed, a wedding website known for its vendor listings and innovative approach to combining social networking and wedding planning.

Photo on main page courtesy of Melissa Johns.

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Here are some helpful tips for politely reducing your guest list:

1. Set expectations early
   Whenever you mention your wedding, make sure the words “small,” “intimate” and “family only” feature in the conversation. Even if you’re planning a larger event, dropping these words early and often will let people know that not getting an invitation is not an insult.
2. Make categories, but don’t punish yourself
   Straight couples are often advised to make clear categories in their guest list and stick with them. So, if first cousins are being invited then all the first cousins on both sides have to be invited.  As a gay couple, you get to invoke an exception to this rule. You do NOT have to invite anyone who is homophobic or unsupportive of gay marriage rights, no matter how closely related they are to you.
3. Stick with a 50% rule in the office
   If you are inviting half or more of your co-workers, you need to invite all of them (however, see rule number 2 for an exception). Keep in mind that even if you don’t know your co-workers’ spouses, you will need to invite them, which can quickly double your guest list.
4. Don’t feel compelled to be anyone’s “cultural experience”
   As someone who is out, you’re probably used to it. The oh-so-curious/supportive straight person who wants to let you know how much she supports gay rights. She cornered you to ask how you were feeling after Prop 8 passed. She makes “insider” jokes she learned by watching reruns of “Will and Grace.” She would just LOVE to go to a gay wedding. Well, good for her, you don’t have to invite her.
5. On the other hand, don’t confuse support for fishing for an invitation
   In our culture, it’s basically considered rude not to ask a bride about her wedding plans. If someone is asking you a lot of questions he/she may not be fishing for an invitation, he/she may just be acting naturally.
6. Single people do not need dates
   If someone is married, engaged, living with someone, or in a long-term relationship the partner should be invited. But, the easiest way to trim your guest list is to not add the phrase “and guest” to invitations.

Marta Segal Block writes the Ask the Wedding Maven column for OneWed, a wedding website known for its innovative approach to combining social networking and wedding planning.

Photo on home page courtesy of Melissa Johns

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The font, the paper, and the wording all let guests know if this is a casual, formal, or downright funky wedding.

Whatever the tone you’re going for, a well-received invitation meets two requirements: It’s Informative and It’s Inviting.

Be informative obviously means giving the time, date, and location of an event (in an easy to understand way), but it also means giving your guests some clues about the type of event. If you want to have a formal event, make your invitation formal with classic fonts and wording. Don’t expect people to understand that your stark white invitation with rainbow flags is actually an invitation for a formal event, not an equality rally.

Be inviting means that the invitation should be welcoming. There shouldn’t be restrictions (no kids allowed, black tie only) and there shouldn’t be registry information, as this sends the message that there’s an admission price for the event. Remember, the invitation is not the only communication you’ll have with guests. There’s plenty of room on your wedding website, to get that sort of information across.

When it comes to wording, gay and straight wedding invitations can follow all the same conventions (or not, as you wish), with one notable exception. A gay couple gets to choose whether to refer to their wedding as a wedding or a commitment ceremony. Even if your ceremony is taking place in a state without legalized gay marriage, you should still feel free to call it a wedding.

Marta Segal Block writes the Ask the Wedding Maven column on OneWed.com, the home of Wedding Pre-Party and the largest searchable database of local wedding vendors. She is also a regular contributor to The Savvy Scoop, OneWed’s source for daily wedding inspiration.

Main photo courtesy of:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/calliope/ / CC BY 2.0

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For gay people the question is more frequently, “Can my ex be IN my wedding?”

Gay or straight, the answer to the question can be found in a few other questions.

1. Is he/she an ex, a friend you used to date, or a friend you once slept with?

Think about it for a minute, how do you talk about this person? Is it as a good friend, or as an ex? Do most of your other friends even know that the two of you once dated? If you primarily think of the person as an ex, you may want to leave them out of the wedding party.

2. What are your motivations?

Why do you want this person at or in your wedding? If there’s any part of you that’s thinking either “That’ll show her,” or “I’d love to see him in a tux one last time.” Then you may not be completely over him/her. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t ready to marry someone else, but it definitely means the ex shouldn’t be on the guest list. This is a good question to ask yourself of anyone on your guest list. Your wedding day should be spent with people who love you and support your relationship. If you are inviting people out of spite or to make a point, or on the other side, because you think they’ll give you a fabulous present, or give your event prestige, cross them off the invite list.

3. Is he/she a sloppy drunk?

If there’s any chance that he/she will make an anatomically specific embarrassing toast or declaration at the wedding, keep him/her off the guest list.

4. What does your partner say?

No matter what the answers to the above questions, the final call is your partner’s. If he/she is uncomfortable having the ex in the wedding party or at the wedding, the answer is no.

One more note, you and your partner aren’t the only ones with complicated feelings here. The ex might be a little conflicted as well. Even if you aren’t generally inviting single people to bring a guest to the wedding, you should probably bend the rule for the ex. It’ll make him/her more comfortable. Don’t be surprised if your ex turns down the invitation. NEVER try to talk an ex out of this decision (see question number 3).

Marta Segal Block writes the Ask the Wedding Maven column on OneWed.com, the home of Wedding Pre-Party and the largest searchable database of local wedding vendors. She is also a regular contributor to The Savvy Scoop, OneWed’s source for daily wedding inspiration.

Main photo courtesy of:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/calliope/ / CC BY 2.0

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