1) Make a contract. Keeping it professional in this way implies that you are serious, it sets a deadline and it outlines exactly what the agreement entails. This is the best way for both parties to be clear on what the expectations are. You can always refer back to the contract later if you need to.

2) Show your appreciation for their offer with a gift, a card and/or verbally. They are doing this for YOU. Normally, they would get paid a lot more for their work, they are doing you a huge favor and you like them, so show your gratitude!

3) If you enlist the help of one of your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend, do so only after careful thought to their relationship. If this person is new in your friend’s life, even if your friend says they are his/her “soul mate”, you need to think about your Plan B if they should break up before your big day. It’s terrible to think like that, yes, but you should be realistic!

4) If your friend doesn’t live up to your expectations, but tried their best, don’t go all bridezilla on them. Your wedding is one day, but your friendship can last forever. What’s more important?

Have you enlisted your friends to help you with your wedding?

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I am a 36 year old woman who is dating a 26 year old woman. My friends tease me, saying I’m robbing the cradle or that I’m a cougar. Is 10 years really that much of a difference? She seems very mature, has a great outlook on life and I really like her. We get along great. But should I be worried?

Cougar in Chicago

Dear Cougar,

Well, I have a couple of thoughts on the matter. One: if you think back on the last 10 years of your life, how much have you changed as far as maturity? Chances are that you’ve changed quite a bit. Between 26 and 36 we do a lot of growing. Two: you don’t say how long you’ve known her. Are thinking of getting married already? If not, forget about your friends. Have fun and decide later if you are really serious about her.

Me and my late husband, may he rest in peace, had an age difference of 8 years. He was younger. If you were in a hetero relationship, I’d warn you against getting involved with a younger man. Don’t get me wrong! I loved my husband very much! Let’s just say he was a mama’s boy and took a long time to grow up. Oy vey! Every night for a few years there he’d have to call his mother to say goodnight. Oh, dear g-d, how that drove me up a wall! Finally, I says to him, “Grow up!” Well, you don’t want to hear this, why am I telling you this? Oy, I “digress” more and more as I age, I’ll tell you what!

Look, bottom line is that if you really like this woman, tell your friends to go to hell!

Nana is an 85 year old Jewish grandmother living in a nice, comfortable retirement community in New Jersey. She is currently the reigning state champion of Mah Jong for the 8^th year in a row. She loves peace and quiet and will share her opinion whether you want to hear it or not.

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Perhaps the stickiest part of all this is choosing the people who will stand up with you while you take your vows. These are the people who are witnesses to your lifelong commitment, so it’s kind of a big deal! Who you pick may be dictated by traditions, keeping drama low or simply your preferences.

Your family may tell you that you “have to” choose your sister-in-law as a bridesmaid or your brother as a groomsman. However this is your wedding so you get to choose. If you and your sister-in-law are not close, don’t worry about it. She may not be interested anyway. However, you need to realize that in some cases, choosing or not choosing family will cause family drama. You should decide how much drama you are willing to confront and/or how much having your relative in your wedding party will make a difference to you. Maybe consider having more bridesmaids! Who decides how many people will be in your wedding party? You do!

Another very important factor in deciding who will stand up with you is your partner’s comfort factor. Your ex is now a close friend? Great! But choosing him/her to stand up with you may just be too much for your partner. You have to live with this person for the rest of your life so you need to take your partner’s opinions to heart. If it’s really that important, pick another role for your ex like doing a reading or perhaps being an usher. Discuss this with your partner!

You will need to make sure the people you choose are able to undergo the expense involved. Are they local or do they need to buy a plane ticket? Do they have a tux in your wedding colors or will they need to buy or rent one? Attending a wedding can be quite pricey! Do what you can to ease the expenses if you are determined to have a particular person in your wedding. Can s/he stay with you for at least part of the time? Are there people s/he can share a hotel room with?

There are so many factors to consider when making these choices. Ultimately, you need to pay attention to how you feel and not let outside pressure dictate how your wedding will go.

Congratulations!

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My girlfriend lives in another city about 4 hours from me. She moved there 6 years ago for her first lesbian relationship with a woman 19 years older. Her grandparents that raised her have passed away and her parents aren’t in the picture at all. Her relationship with her sister is very weak. We’ve been having a hard time because I feel she is having a hard time getting over her ex. The distance has affected us because her ex lives in the same city as her. Now, she’s lost her job! Since she’s from my city, I feel she should move back here because she has no reason to stay there. She says she’s in love with me, but I feel her panic and fear when it comes to opening up to me. She avoids, omits information and changes the subject when we try to talk about feelings. She runs away from me when I feel she should just lean on me. That’s the way it should be.

Thanks, Nana!
Carol

Dear Carol,

Oh, dear G-D, I thought your question would never end! I don’t even see a question! Look, your “girlfriend” is obviously not ready for a relationship with you. If she’s got “no reason” to stay in the other city and she stays there, THAT’s your answer! It sounds to me like you are trying to force a certain level of relationship when one of you is clearly not ready. Move on!

My aunt Hazel had a similar situation. She was courting a man in another city and he was resisting her desires to move to the next level of relationship. She pushed and pushed and he eventually gave in and married her. They were divorced within the first year. It turns out he was gay, but that’s another story. Oy!

Dear girl, you will find someone, someday, who will love you in the same way you love her and it won’t feel forced. It won’t feel like you’re pushing and she’s resisting. The general rule is: if you encounter resistance, the person isn’t ready for the next level so quit pushing. If you continue to push, you may lose her. If you really care about this woman, you need to stay where she’s at emotionally and take it at her pace.

That’s all. I have to go take an aspirin. Your “question” gave me a hell of a headache!

–Nana

Nana is an 85 year old Jewish grandmother living in a nice, comfortable retirement community in New Jersey. She is currently the reigning state champion of Mah Jong for the 8th year in a row. She loves peace and quiet and loves to share her opinion whether you want to hear it or not.

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How do you deal with a parent who gives you grief about your sexual orientation?

–Hurting in Louisiana

Dear Hurting,

Let me ask you this: Are you going to change your sexual orientation if your parents don’t like it? I’m guessing that the answer is no. I would hope that is the case. Just tell them that’s who you are and if they can’t deal, they can go to hell. End of story.

Look, it’s not the same, but when I brought my husband home to meet my parents, they didn’t like him. I have no idea why. He was so charming, intelligent and funny that day—of course he was like that every day, may he rest in peace. My mother came around, but you know fathers don’t want to lose their little girls. What kind of sickness is in that, I don’t want to know. But anyway, my father didn’t like my then boyfriend at all. Even after we were married, there was tension in the room whenever they were together. Finally, I told him, I says “Daddy, this is the man I’m going to be with for the rest of my life. If you can’t deal with it, you can go to hell. You have to come around or you won’t see us again.” That was such a strong statement in those days. You didn’t just cut off your family. But my father apparently thought about it and fixed his attitude almost immediately.

You see, your parents are probably like most in that they love you and worry about your happiness. Tell them you’re happy and expect them to fix their attitude. It really is that simple…

Love,

Nana

Nana is an 85 year old Jewish grandmother living in a nice, comfortable retirement community in New Jersey. She is currently the reigning state champion of Mah Jong for the 8th year in a row. She loves peace and quiet and loves to share her opinion whether you want to hear it or not.

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It’s worth investing in a Wedding Coordinator. You can hire professionals via websites (like Queerly Wed of course,) to make sure your day runs smoothly. Remember to ask for references! Alternatively a well organized and trusted friend can be trusted to do the job – perhaps as a wedding gift? Don’t pick someone in the wedding party as they should only have one duty to concentrate
on. If a friend does it – be sure to thank them in the speeches and maybe present a small gift or flowers as token of thanks as well as a personal letter later.

Why bother with a Coordinator at all? Well, large groups of people have a tendency to be like sheep – they need to be herded and have everything is laid out in an obvious manner. If you are doing anything out of the norm like not having a cake cutting ceremony, just letting people help themselves to cupcakes then you need someone to tell them! If you need to direct people to somewhere be sure to place the notice near food or booze. People naturally gravitate towards both. For example at one wedding we attended the table/place setting board was hid away in the corner with their guest book - subsequently no one signed the guest book and the bride had to tell people which table they were on! Whilst hiring a coordinator could take up a sizeable
chunk of your budget it’s definitely a well spent investment to make sure your day goes smooth as possible and frees you up to enjoy it.

Clare is originally from England but has lived in Los Angeles since 2001. She came here on a whim from London and for the most part hasn’t looked back. Except maybe once, when she ran out of tea bags. Clare currently lives in a coastal suburb of Los Angeles County with her partner and cats.

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-Sam in NY
Dear Sam,
Look, as my bubbe used to say “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it at all”. What a load of crap! You shouldn’t have to live with your partner’s annoying habits, silently suffering for the rest of your life. Thank G-d I never did! My late husband and I used to bug the crap outta each other and we let each other have it – verbally, that is.
I think what you should do is have a talk with your partner when you are calm and when he/she isn’t doing the annoying thing you are about to complain –er, “express your feelings” – about. The other piece of advice I have for you is to pick your battles. My dear husband, may he rest in peace, never EVER learned to put the milk away after using it each morning in his coffee. I once left it out just to spite him, and the next morning, he poured it into his coffee as if nothing was different! I think it didn’t have time to spoil or he woulda learned his lesson. Anyway, I soon learned that if I didn’t put the milk away myself, I would suffer in the end because I wouldn’t have milk for my coffee either so I gave up trying to get him to do it. He also never put the damn toilet seat down. I do have to say, that is the one thing that’s good about him not being on this earth anymore: the seat is always down – no more surprises! Oh, my darling husband. He was able to learn the important stuff: our kids birthdays, anniversaries and he was always there for me when I needed him.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Quit your complaining!

Nana is an 85 year old Jewish grandmother living in a nice, comfortable retirement community in New Jersey. She is currently the reigning state champion of Mah Jong for the 8th year in a row. She loves peace and quiet and loves to share her opinion whether you want to hear it or not.

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If you don’t want to make them yourself there are now several lovely invite-in-a-box companies – Martha Stewart’s line at Walmart, Brides.com at Michaels and Target have some lovely letterpress style invites. Armed with a printer and computer with Microsoft Word, you could be done within an afternoon.

Still want to make them yourself?  You should look into purchasing a Gocco, which retails around $175. A Gocco is a mini screen printer, which is perfect for homemade printing projects like. . .drum roll please – your wedding invitations. Although the Gocco’s costs are initially quite high, you should be able to print pretty much your entire wedding stationary from invite to programs, to thank you cards. A detailed step-by-step guide on Gocco can be read here

The easiest way to show you the wonders of the Gocco is to share with you what we did with it for our wedding. Flickr.com has a wonderful DIY invite group that’s full of inspirational ideas that I’d recommend having a peak at.

We brought white A6 flat cards Paper-source.com, where I also brought my Gocco. We had 70 invites to make so allowing for extras for mistakes I brought 125 – this is important when doing any DIY project – allow for mistakes!

We took a design from Sailor Jerry who is considered to be the Grandpappy of American tattoo. We added the words “True Until Death” to the banner in Photoshop which I think might have freaked out the oldies a bit but it means true to each other until death parts us which is traditionally part of the vows and then I goccoed this onto the flat white cards;

Next I brought an edge clipper from Jo-Anns in the sale for about $7. I clipped the edges of all the cards after laser printing the actual invite words on. I could have goccoed this on but I wanted to use a distinctive typewriter font so it looked like it was hand typed and I was worried this would go wonky (technical term) during the goccoing. Clipping the edges was a lot harder than it looked and many an invite was lost to this process.. just as well I did a lot extra.

Then using very sticky spray glue I glued the clipped white card onto midnight blue A7 flat cards, which I got for $13.50 plus shipping also from Paper-source.com.

Using my mad google skillz I found cheapest envelope company LCI Paper which had these great red A7 envelopes at $22 plus shipping for 100.

We decided to save on paper and ultimately on trees that we would only send out an actual invite, response reply postcard and the little card the airline sends you with their discount code on instead of maps, recommended places to stay etc – we built a website for that instead which is mentioned on the invites.

We ended up doing two invites – one for a UK ceremony for family and friends who couldn’t make it to the US ceremony, and the US ceremony.  The US one was the gocco’ed one above and the UK one was from the Target ‘fake’ Letterpress range. I’d have to say as beautiful as my home made invites turned out – should I be having a third ceremony (God forbid) I would probably go for the Target ones simply as they took a quarter of the time.

Clare is originally from England but has lived in Los Angeles since 2001. She came here on a whim from London and for the most part hasn’t looked back. Except maybe once, when she ran out of tea bags. Clare currently lives in a coastal suburb of Los Angeles County with her partner and cats.

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Here’s hoping 2010 will be a year that brings us closer to the legalization of same-sex marriage.  Although legal status is still illusive, deciding to commit to your partner is still an important way to celebrate your relationship and announce your commitment to your friends, family and the world at large.  Of course, the nuts and bolts of a gay wedding (no pun intended!) will need a bit of rethinking.  The goal is to make it not just a more accurate reflection of who both of you are, but also express the real love and tenderness you both have for each other.

One of the first things that should be addressed, although it isn’t the most fun aspect of planning a ceremony, are any legal steps that CAN be taken to protect you as a same-sex couple.  If you’re serious about committing to each other, now would be the best time to create legal wills and discuss plans to protect each other financially should something happen to either partner.  Other important legal documents include a power of attorney and medical directives.  With these documents in place, if one partner becomes incapacitated, the other partner has the legal right to make decisions for the other.  Creating a joint checking and/or savings account also shows your commitment to each other in the pantheon of legal unions.  Take that, Supreme Court!

Some couples want to be married on a beach, others at landmark building.  For gay and lesbian couples looking to get married in a church, options can be a little stickier.  Legal status for gay marriage is still unresolved, and different religions views on the subject are even murkier.  The Unitarian Church is one church that IS flexible and accommodating for gay and lesbian ceremonies.  The United Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches is another good resource for finding churches that address the needs of gay and lesbians looking to get married.  Those affiliated with the UFMCC routinely perform what is known as a Rite of Holy Union ceremony.

There may always be a bit of both stress and excitement when a wedding is planned and the invitation list is put together.  It’s fun to think of how different friends and family will enjoy meeting one another!  Also, there are the thoughts about what unpleasant exchanges might take place if so-and-so meets so-and-so.  Add the fact that there might be some family members that are uncomfortable with the entire idea of a gay or lesbian wedding – and you’ve got a cocktail for worry and second-guessing.  Friends can be a huge help in this arena, as there is often less baggage in your relationship with them.  Let them help dilute the guests who are less sure of the whole idea, or just plain old judgmental.  In previous columns I’ve mentioned too, sometimes it’s just best for Grandma or Great Aunt Sylvia to skip the ceremony and just come to the reception. Better to enjoy yourself and feel the love; not the wet blanket!

Lastly, a heterosexual wedding is usually easy to envision when thinking about attire.  There’s the dress and the suit or tux.  A major difference in gay or lesbian weddings is the achievement of two very different looks (two different suits for men, maybe with women one might wear a suit, the other a dress).  There is also the look that is unique to GLBT weddings in that an almost “twins” type look can be achieved AND be quite stunning!  Two identical morning suits or two identical strapless gowns are both examples of a strong statement fashion-wise, but also a unique visual of togetherness and like-mindedness that is special to commitment ceremonies.  What makes gay or lesbian ceremonies different, in the case, also makes it an area where the partners can have more freedom and choices.

*Kiki Reef is an event planner based in the Chicago area and principal of Kiki Reef Events.

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I guess I would appreciate some coping strategies for handling in-laws. I don’t think it is my place to tell my in-laws how they should do things now that I am part of their family- I’m going into their world and their space. But, at the same time, some of their ways drive me nuts- especially their communication style and comments that they make about how we have chosen to live our life. From past experience, upfront communication only works when you are communicating with people that can handle upfront and healthy communication…and from my experience, parents-in-laws will take a lot from their own kids, but are not so open to such personal outside critique of their private, intimate family dealings. – Help!

Dear Help,

Yes, dealing with in-laws can be a tricky situation but can also feel much more delicate then need be. I suggest that the first conversation to have is with your partner. It’s a good idea to touch base about how you feel around their parents and see if you two are on the same page, from there you can begin to strategize about how to both take care of yourself and the couple hood when family functions occur.  Most likely, what bugs you about your in-laws also gets to your special someone and being on the same page makes it feel less loaded and less like you are holding this alone.

Regardless of your partner’s stance on the issue and if their feelings match, the key here is to figure out and talk through your boundary needs when spending time with the family. This might look many ways: a time out, a look or word that says to your partner that it’s time to change the subject or perhaps asking your partner to have a conversation with their family before a visit about what is an off limits topic.  Either way it will probably work best if your partner takes the lead in asserting boundaries with the family instead of leaving it up to you. This is especially true if the relationship is new. You’re right, most parents can take feedback from their own kids better then a partner, so go with it. Together figure what are the things that are creating discomfort for either one of you and have your sweetie be a spokesperson.

If the partner is not willing to do any of these tasks then you need to think about whether its healthy for you to spend time with his/her family or possibly limiting the amount of time spent. I know many couples where one person will visit their family for an entire week and the partner joins for the last two days because that is all that feels healthy. Some couples alternate holidays with family and then there is always the option of not joining on family visits. It is perfectly ok to have your partner go without you, although if it’s holidays that are in question, it might get lonely.

However you decide to handle it, make sure that you do it as a team so that you don’t feel like you’re in the struggle alone.

Shai spends his days as a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist working with homeless and marginally housed adults in San Francisco. He lives in Oakland and his nights and weekends are consumed tap dancing with a troupe called ButchTap.

Photo on homepage courtesy of Melissa Johns.

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