Ask Nana: How Do I Communicate My Needs?
Dear Nana,
How do you communicate your needs to your partner without sounding like you are complaining? I feel like every time I try to express my needs, I end up feeling guilty for being a nag.
-Sam in NY
Dear Sam,
Look, as my bubbe used to say “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it at all”. What a load of crap! You shouldn’t have to live with your partner’s annoying habits, silently suffering for the rest of your life. Thank G-d I never did! My late husband and I used to bug the crap outta each other and we let each other have it – verbally, that is.
I think what you should do is have a talk with your partner when you are calm and when he/she isn’t doing the annoying thing you are about to complain –er, “express your feelings” – about. The other piece of advice I have for you is to pick your battles. My dear husband, may he rest in peace, never EVER learned to put the milk away after using it each morning in his coffee. I once left it out just to spite him, and the next morning, he poured it into his coffee as if nothing was different! I think it didn’t have time to spoil or he woulda learned his lesson. Anyway, I soon learned that if I didn’t put the milk away myself, I would suffer in the end because I wouldn’t have milk for my coffee either so I gave up trying to get him to do it. He also never put the damn toilet seat down. I do have to say, that is the one thing that’s good about him not being on this earth anymore: the seat is always down – no more surprises! Oh, my darling husband. He was able to learn the important stuff: our kids birthdays, anniversaries and he was always there for me when I needed him.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Quit your complaining!
Nana is an 85 year old Jewish grandmother living in a nice, comfortable retirement community in New Jersey. She is currently the reigning state champion of Mah Jong for the 8th year in a row. She loves peace and quiet and loves to share her opinion whether you want to hear it or not.
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I just had the same situation with my girlfriend. I came to her about something I found that made me feel uncomfortable. I came to her in a calm, non accusatory and respectful manner. I wasn’t yelling, cursing, coming like an adult. She couldn’t deal with it. Me confronting her on how something made me feel, getting defensive, yelling etc., she should have won a drama award. I’m learning most people that act that way don’t want to be emotionally responsible for their actions. OR just can’t deal with being confronted on their issues. They just want to hear good things. Just make sure it’s something that’s valid to you– not nit picky stuff. If she cares and loves you enough she’ll listen without all the undue drama.